[He wishes he could believe Hiyori. Too weak. Too soft. Didn't try hard enough. Failure. They flutter and cram in his mind, shoving any attempts to excuse his guilt into the fire. It's your fault.]
I should've been strong enough to resist it! If I'm not
[Careful, Katsuki! You could hurt someone with your Quirk! How awesome! You're not gonna be a villain are you? No way!
If he can't control himself, it feels like he's nothing more than a threat.]
Who am I gonna kill next time?
[Saying "it's not your fault" is like thrown water on an oil fire.]
[Hiyori doesn't understand everything that happened. Bakugo doesn't want to tell him. Twenty four hours... Fuck, an entire day where no one mattered but himself. Morals and inhibitions gone.]
He's always thought that place should be demolished. "Tear that down!" is what he said before. If no one got caught in the blast, isn't that basically a community service?]
Who could have seen through that? You're not clairvoyant. When you told me how he died, I almost didn't believe you, since I couldn't imagine who would do such an outlandishly terrible thing.
I know it feels horrible. But if you act like it's your fault, then it's like letting that man off the hook.
And I hope you're ignoring my second question because you already said you weren't hurt last time, and not because you really DID get hurt.
I'm trained to see through it! A hero can't use some shitty excuse like "I was too slow" or "I didn't notice it" when someone's life is on the line! I should've been able to save him!
I'm not absolving him. But I can't say I'm not to blame.
I don't give a shit what happened to me. Esikko died.
None of it was your fault. Not those brothers wanting to kill Esikko-kun, not them acting like monsters, not him angering them in the first place, and not your suit acting up. Not one bit of that was your choice, and you're not to blame for any of it.
You're someone he cares for rather a lot, so I'm sure he doesn't want you blaming yourself. If you don't believe me, then ask him. We should be able to do that before too long.
[Even as he reads his words on the screen, they feel like arrows striking a fortress gate. Logically, he knows Hiyori's right. He had nothing to do with Chobe's actions, he never asked to be dragged into the resort and made a fucking patsy, he tried to encourage Esikko not to associate with Chobe further, he wasn't even "himself" during the altercation.
... but try telling him that when he remembers everything like it was his own. When he hears his voice saying those cruel things. When he recalls every thought in the middle of that blazing fire. The rest of the day was no less afflicted.
Heroes are stupid when it comes to guilt. Someone across the city dies and they don't shrug with "I wasn't there" and walk off. Instantly their thoughts sink with "I should've been there, I could've helped" and everything feels gross.
Their lives are completely saturated with helping protect people. Failure is hard on them... Failure's hard on him. It's not something he expects Hiyori to understand.]
Don't be silly. He was sad and lonely even before this. Once he messaged me out of the blue asking if I'd care if he died.
I'm sure he wants to see you. After all, you're someone who never turned your back on him. The two of you stayed friends even after I told you about the horrible things he's done, correct? That must make you more precious than just about anyone.
[Ugh. He'd almost forgotten about that for a minute. But his response comes quick.]
Alright.
[In a way it's surprising Bakugo wants to look, considering the two of them didn't seem to get along. But in other ways, it's not a surprise. And isn't he in the same boat, planning to visit someone in the clinic whom he hasn't gotten along with in a while?]
There's someone we should talk to if we do find it. Did Till ever tell you about the person here from his world?
[Ironic, since that was the reason Bakugo called him.]
No. Are they still here?
[Another time, he might bristle irritated or even jet a bit jealous Hiyori knew Till more. But right now, nothing. Only one more piece of fact dropping on the world right now.]
[He almost says "Yes" automatically, but given what just happened...]
Let me check.
[And then he goes to look at the registry. He used to check every day, but hasn't been lately. Now it's only when he notices he hasn't seen a friend around in a while: an uncomfortably common occurrence, but not as much of one as it used to be. His circle of friends has dwindled quite a lot in the past half-year or so.
He scrolls past Esikko, still on there despite his death, before he sees Ivan's name.]
He's still here. His name is Ivan. His username is @ meteoric.
I'll talk to him, since I'm the one who warned him that people turn to stone here. Although if you told him your theory about the statues, that might not hurt, either.
Anyway, we should split up if we're going to search. Which area are you taking?
[Let me check. Reality sucker punches him in the stomach. How easy it would be to look into their contacts list and find a name they've always seen suddenly gone. A friend, a partner, a loved one... Wiped out as easily as paint over a streak. Two people he knows he's lost in the past week. Both of them tugged hooks out of his heart and left another bleeding gash.]
Aa.
Tell him to call me if he wants to know.
[Right now, he's wary about adding anyone new. Not after this hellish week.]
I'll start with Talon and Beak. I know them the most.
[Then UD University and Swan Lake, then the Ace and Jack floors.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I should've been strong enough to resist it! If I'm not
[Careful, Katsuki! You could hurt someone with your Quirk! How awesome! You're not gonna be a villain are you? No way!
If he can't control himself, it feels like he's nothing more than a threat.]
Who am I gonna kill next time?
[Saying "it's not your fault" is like thrown water on an oil fire.]
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... wait a minute.]
You're not the one who killed someone!
[...]
Right?
[Plz tell him that's not what happened, that would be so screwed-up...]
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I set off an explosion in the Roost.
[And left a store or two smoldering wreckage.]
1/4
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He's always thought that place should be demolished. "Tear that down!" is what he said before. If no one got caught in the blast, isn't that basically a community service?]
4/4 done.
Alright! One thing at a time!
Those brothers were the ones who killed Esikko-kun, right? And you were there, but you didn't get hurt yourself, correct?
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[He doesn't bother with the last question. It's not important.]
I should've seen through it. Should've been faster.
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I know it feels horrible. But if you act like it's your fault, then it's like letting that man off the hook.
And I hope you're ignoring my second question because you already said you weren't hurt last time, and not because you really DID get hurt.
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I'm not absolving him. But I can't say I'm not to blame.
I don't give a shit what happened to me. Esikko died.
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None of it was your fault. Not those brothers wanting to kill Esikko-kun, not them acting like monsters, not him angering them in the first place, and not your suit acting up. Not one bit of that was your choice, and you're not to blame for any of it.
You're someone he cares for rather a lot, so I'm sure he doesn't want you blaming yourself. If you don't believe me, then ask him. We should be able to do that before too long.
["We," he writes.]
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... but try telling him that when he remembers everything like it was his own. When he hears his voice saying those cruel things. When he recalls every thought in the middle of that blazing fire. The rest of the day was no less afflicted.
Heroes are stupid when it comes to guilt. Someone across the city dies and they don't shrug with "I wasn't there" and walk off. Instantly their thoughts sink with "I should've been there, I could've helped" and everything feels gross.
Their lives are completely saturated with helping protect people. Failure is hard on them... Failure's hard on him. It's not something he expects Hiyori to understand.]
I don't know if he'd even want to see me.
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I'm sure he wants to see you. After all, you're someone who never turned your back on him. The two of you stayed friends even after I told you about the horrible things he's done, correct? That must make you more precious than just about anyone.
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A reminder about Esikko's death does little to help.]
We don't know when he'll be reviving.
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You remember what I said before, right? About visiting the clinic together.
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[He needs to get off the subject.]
In the meantime, I want you to help me find Till's statue.
[Not really a better subject, but activity has always helped him when his brain won't shut up.]
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Alright.
[In a way it's surprising Bakugo wants to look, considering the two of them didn't seem to get along. But in other ways, it's not a surprise. And isn't he in the same boat, planning to visit someone in the clinic whom he hasn't gotten along with in a while?]
There's someone we should talk to if we do find it. Did Till ever tell you about the person here from his world?
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No. Are they still here?
[Another time, he might bristle irritated or even jet a bit jealous Hiyori knew Till more. But right now, nothing. Only one more piece of fact dropping on the world right now.]
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Let me check.
[And then he goes to look at the registry. He used to check every day, but hasn't been lately. Now it's only when he notices he hasn't seen a friend around in a while: an uncomfortably common occurrence, but not as much of one as it used to be. His circle of friends has dwindled quite a lot in the past half-year or so.
He scrolls past Esikko, still on there despite his death, before he sees Ivan's name.]
He's still here. His name is Ivan. His username is @ meteoric.
I'll talk to him, since I'm the one who warned him that people turn to stone here. Although if you told him your theory about the statues, that might not hurt, either.
Anyway, we should split up if we're going to search. Which area are you taking?
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Aa.
Tell him to call me if he wants to know.
[Right now, he's wary about adding anyone new. Not after this hellish week.]
I'll start with Talon and Beak. I know them the most.
[Then UD University and Swan Lake, then the Ace and Jack floors.]
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I'll do the Vale and the garden. Then there's a cafe I should check, too.
[...]
Before we go though, there's one more quick thing I should mention about Esikko-kun.
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[He doubts they'll be in the suites since he's never seen someone's statue there, minus those who bring them in for protection. Bittersweet as it is.]
What?
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[Re: the university and the library. But as for the other thing...]
Once he's awake again, I might be able to feel it due to that link we share.
I don't know that for sure, though. But if I do feel something different, I'll let you know.
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