[He remembers telling several people he had no intention of getting attached to anyone in this place. He's pretty sure he told that to Hiyori's face. Did so well for several months. People were nothing more than fellow prisoners, someone he did stuff with to get cards or shut the suit mark up. People he interacted with for information, to spar with. Didn't let anyone close enough to care about beyond keeping people safe if needed. Like a proper hero.
But then... one crack at a time...
He always knew there was a risk when feelings came into the picture. When you care about someone, you accept a weakness as much as a strength. He never wanted a weakness. Weaknesses were for losers, people who were gonna fuck up, people who weren't him. Until he came to realize they weren't weakness at all. He was stronger for them. So if that's true...
...why does it feel so weak now? If he didn't care, he wouldn't be clawing his own guts out from guilt. Is it worth this kind of pain? This heavy frozen weight in his stomach.]
Aa.
[ ... ]
I couldn't protect either of them. I just wanted to win.
You're talking about when Esikko-kun was attacked, right?
[He's not sure who "either of them" is referring to. Was Bakugo trying to protect someone else, too? That Dabi guy, perhaps?]
That situation wasn't your fault, first of all. I know you're a hero, but that doesn't mean it's your fault when people choose to act like villains.
Second, you were fighting on their side, correct? Despite what your suit was doing, and whatever your reason might have been, you still fought for them, right?
No. I didn't give a shit about anyone in that room.
I fought for myself.
I wasn't angry Esikko died; I was angry I lost.
[Esikko's death was nothing more than the result of his losing, proof he didn't win. And it pissed him off furiously. Now, the very thought sickens him; he remembers every damn idea and feeling which crawled through his mind at the moment.
There was no hero in that room. Only a selfish monster.
The suit threw everything he was and stood for out the proverbial window.]
[Well, that explains those text messages. Why he focused on baffling stuff like the quality of the brothers' trap, and why he seemed more fussed about beating the brothers than the human life that was (temporarily) lost.
Still.]
It's not your fault you felt that way. I know when *my* suit acts up, I just wish everyone who stands in my way would get pulverized and thrown out with the trash.
I also know he didn't want you to suffer or die on his behalf. He said as much.
So when you get angry, don't let it be at yourself, alright? You've always been good at remembering who the real enemy is.
[He wishes he could believe Hiyori. Too weak. Too soft. Didn't try hard enough. Failure. They flutter and cram in his mind, shoving any attempts to excuse his guilt into the fire. It's your fault.]
I should've been strong enough to resist it! If I'm not
[Careful, Katsuki! You could hurt someone with your Quirk! How awesome! You're not gonna be a villain are you? No way!
If he can't control himself, it feels like he's nothing more than a threat.]
Who am I gonna kill next time?
[Saying "it's not your fault" is like thrown water on an oil fire.]
[Hiyori doesn't understand everything that happened. Bakugo doesn't want to tell him. Twenty four hours... Fuck, an entire day where no one mattered but himself. Morals and inhibitions gone.]
He's always thought that place should be demolished. "Tear that down!" is what he said before. If no one got caught in the blast, isn't that basically a community service?]
Who could have seen through that? You're not clairvoyant. When you told me how he died, I almost didn't believe you, since I couldn't imagine who would do such an outlandishly terrible thing.
I know it feels horrible. But if you act like it's your fault, then it's like letting that man off the hook.
And I hope you're ignoring my second question because you already said you weren't hurt last time, and not because you really DID get hurt.
I'm trained to see through it! A hero can't use some shitty excuse like "I was too slow" or "I didn't notice it" when someone's life is on the line! I should've been able to save him!
I'm not absolving him. But I can't say I'm not to blame.
I don't give a shit what happened to me. Esikko died.
None of it was your fault. Not those brothers wanting to kill Esikko-kun, not them acting like monsters, not him angering them in the first place, and not your suit acting up. Not one bit of that was your choice, and you're not to blame for any of it.
You're someone he cares for rather a lot, so I'm sure he doesn't want you blaming yourself. If you don't believe me, then ask him. We should be able to do that before too long.
[Even as he reads his words on the screen, they feel like arrows striking a fortress gate. Logically, he knows Hiyori's right. He had nothing to do with Chobe's actions, he never asked to be dragged into the resort and made a fucking patsy, he tried to encourage Esikko not to associate with Chobe further, he wasn't even "himself" during the altercation.
... but try telling him that when he remembers everything like it was his own. When he hears his voice saying those cruel things. When he recalls every thought in the middle of that blazing fire. The rest of the day was no less afflicted.
Heroes are stupid when it comes to guilt. Someone across the city dies and they don't shrug with "I wasn't there" and walk off. Instantly their thoughts sink with "I should've been there, I could've helped" and everything feels gross.
Their lives are completely saturated with helping protect people. Failure is hard on them... Failure's hard on him. It's not something he expects Hiyori to understand.]
Don't be silly. He was sad and lonely even before this. Once he messaged me out of the blue asking if I'd care if he died.
I'm sure he wants to see you. After all, you're someone who never turned your back on him. The two of you stayed friends even after I told you about the horrible things he's done, correct? That must make you more precious than just about anyone.
[Ugh. He'd almost forgotten about that for a minute. But his response comes quick.]
Alright.
[In a way it's surprising Bakugo wants to look, considering the two of them didn't seem to get along. But in other ways, it's not a surprise. And isn't he in the same boat, planning to visit someone in the clinic whom he hasn't gotten along with in a while?]
There's someone we should talk to if we do find it. Did Till ever tell you about the person here from his world?
[Ironic, since that was the reason Bakugo called him.]
No. Are they still here?
[Another time, he might bristle irritated or even jet a bit jealous Hiyori knew Till more. But right now, nothing. Only one more piece of fact dropping on the world right now.]
[He almost says "Yes" automatically, but given what just happened...]
Let me check.
[And then he goes to look at the registry. He used to check every day, but hasn't been lately. Now it's only when he notices he hasn't seen a friend around in a while: an uncomfortably common occurrence, but not as much of one as it used to be. His circle of friends has dwindled quite a lot in the past half-year or so.
He scrolls past Esikko, still on there despite his death, before he sees Ivan's name.]
He's still here. His name is Ivan. His username is @ meteoric.
I'll talk to him, since I'm the one who warned him that people turn to stone here. Although if you told him your theory about the statues, that might not hurt, either.
Anyway, we should split up if we're going to search. Which area are you taking?
[Let me check. Reality sucker punches him in the stomach. How easy it would be to look into their contacts list and find a name they've always seen suddenly gone. A friend, a partner, a loved one... Wiped out as easily as paint over a streak. Two people he knows he's lost in the past week. Both of them tugged hooks out of his heart and left another bleeding gash.]
Aa.
Tell him to call me if he wants to know.
[Right now, he's wary about adding anyone new. Not after this hellish week.]
I'll start with Talon and Beak. I know them the most.
[Then UD University and Swan Lake, then the Ace and Jack floors.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But then... one crack at a time...
He always knew there was a risk when feelings came into the picture. When you care about someone, you accept a weakness as much as a strength. He never wanted a weakness. Weaknesses were for losers, people who were gonna fuck up, people who weren't him. Until he came to realize they weren't weakness at all. He was stronger for them. So if that's true...
...why does it feel so weak now? If he didn't care, he wouldn't be clawing his own guts out from guilt. Is it worth this kind of pain? This heavy frozen weight in his stomach.]
Aa.
[ ... ]
I couldn't protect either of them. I just wanted to win.
no subject
[He's not sure who "either of them" is referring to. Was Bakugo trying to protect someone else, too? That Dabi guy, perhaps?]
That situation wasn't your fault, first of all. I know you're a hero, but that doesn't mean it's your fault when people choose to act like villains.
Second, you were fighting on their side, correct? Despite what your suit was doing, and whatever your reason might have been, you still fought for them, right?
no subject
I fought for myself.
I wasn't angry Esikko died; I was angry I lost.
[Esikko's death was nothing more than the result of his losing, proof he didn't win. And it pissed him off furiously. Now, the very thought sickens him; he remembers every damn idea and feeling which crawled through his mind at the moment.
There was no hero in that room. Only a selfish monster.
The suit threw everything he was and stood for out the proverbial window.]
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Still.]
It's not your fault you felt that way. I know when *my* suit acts up, I just wish everyone who stands in my way would get pulverized and thrown out with the trash.
I also know he didn't want you to suffer or die on his behalf. He said as much.
So when you get angry, don't let it be at yourself, alright? You've always been good at remembering who the real enemy is.
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I should've been strong enough to resist it! If I'm not
[Careful, Katsuki! You could hurt someone with your Quirk! How awesome! You're not gonna be a villain are you? No way!
If he can't control himself, it feels like he's nothing more than a threat.]
Who am I gonna kill next time?
[Saying "it's not your fault" is like thrown water on an oil fire.]
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... wait a minute.]
You're not the one who killed someone!
[...]
Right?
[Plz tell him that's not what happened, that would be so screwed-up...]
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I set off an explosion in the Roost.
[And left a store or two smoldering wreckage.]
1/4
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He's always thought that place should be demolished. "Tear that down!" is what he said before. If no one got caught in the blast, isn't that basically a community service?]
4/4 done.
Alright! One thing at a time!
Those brothers were the ones who killed Esikko-kun, right? And you were there, but you didn't get hurt yourself, correct?
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[He doesn't bother with the last question. It's not important.]
I should've seen through it. Should've been faster.
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I know it feels horrible. But if you act like it's your fault, then it's like letting that man off the hook.
And I hope you're ignoring my second question because you already said you weren't hurt last time, and not because you really DID get hurt.
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I'm not absolving him. But I can't say I'm not to blame.
I don't give a shit what happened to me. Esikko died.
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None of it was your fault. Not those brothers wanting to kill Esikko-kun, not them acting like monsters, not him angering them in the first place, and not your suit acting up. Not one bit of that was your choice, and you're not to blame for any of it.
You're someone he cares for rather a lot, so I'm sure he doesn't want you blaming yourself. If you don't believe me, then ask him. We should be able to do that before too long.
["We," he writes.]
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... but try telling him that when he remembers everything like it was his own. When he hears his voice saying those cruel things. When he recalls every thought in the middle of that blazing fire. The rest of the day was no less afflicted.
Heroes are stupid when it comes to guilt. Someone across the city dies and they don't shrug with "I wasn't there" and walk off. Instantly their thoughts sink with "I should've been there, I could've helped" and everything feels gross.
Their lives are completely saturated with helping protect people. Failure is hard on them... Failure's hard on him. It's not something he expects Hiyori to understand.]
I don't know if he'd even want to see me.
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I'm sure he wants to see you. After all, you're someone who never turned your back on him. The two of you stayed friends even after I told you about the horrible things he's done, correct? That must make you more precious than just about anyone.
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A reminder about Esikko's death does little to help.]
We don't know when he'll be reviving.
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You remember what I said before, right? About visiting the clinic together.
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[He needs to get off the subject.]
In the meantime, I want you to help me find Till's statue.
[Not really a better subject, but activity has always helped him when his brain won't shut up.]
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Alright.
[In a way it's surprising Bakugo wants to look, considering the two of them didn't seem to get along. But in other ways, it's not a surprise. And isn't he in the same boat, planning to visit someone in the clinic whom he hasn't gotten along with in a while?]
There's someone we should talk to if we do find it. Did Till ever tell you about the person here from his world?
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No. Are they still here?
[Another time, he might bristle irritated or even jet a bit jealous Hiyori knew Till more. But right now, nothing. Only one more piece of fact dropping on the world right now.]
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Let me check.
[And then he goes to look at the registry. He used to check every day, but hasn't been lately. Now it's only when he notices he hasn't seen a friend around in a while: an uncomfortably common occurrence, but not as much of one as it used to be. His circle of friends has dwindled quite a lot in the past half-year or so.
He scrolls past Esikko, still on there despite his death, before he sees Ivan's name.]
He's still here. His name is Ivan. His username is @ meteoric.
I'll talk to him, since I'm the one who warned him that people turn to stone here. Although if you told him your theory about the statues, that might not hurt, either.
Anyway, we should split up if we're going to search. Which area are you taking?
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Aa.
Tell him to call me if he wants to know.
[Right now, he's wary about adding anyone new. Not after this hellish week.]
I'll start with Talon and Beak. I know them the most.
[Then UD University and Swan Lake, then the Ace and Jack floors.]
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I'll do the Vale and the garden. Then there's a cafe I should check, too.
[...]
Before we go though, there's one more quick thing I should mention about Esikko-kun.
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