["He's never been able to buy that turning into a statue means going back home. Bakugo has laid out his argument in detail multiple times, but Hiyori still can't do it. And in this case, would it even be better? Hiyori had a charmed existence back in his world: a life full of love and a bright future ahead of himself. But the same can't be said for all people here, and certainly not for Till. What should he even hope for?
Till did say he wanted to return. That he thought he ought to, rather. He had unfinished business back at home; a girl he wanted to see, wanted to make sure was still alive. Given that, he supposes he should hope Till made it back okay. It's what he wished for, after all.
Not that their hopes and wishes ever seem to mean anything around here, as Bakugo clearly elucidates.]
You're right, of course. We have no control here. It's safest to assume everyone we talk to will vanish from these halls sooner or later.
But that's something we've known all along, almost.
[People disappear. Relationships don't last. It's best not to get attached. And yet, he still does it. Is still doing it now. Even Bakugo, for all his gruffness, does it, too, he's sure. Which is how he knew that Bakugo wasn't in his right mind when he acted so callous about Esikko's death. The real Bakugo would care, right?]
Speaking of being toyed with, are you feeling like yourself again?
[He doesn't know. At the start, he thought everyone would want to go home; who the hell wants to be kidnapped from their world and forced to stay captive in this shitty place? Quickly got that question answered for him. For a hero who lives to win and save people, how the hell is he supposed to accept people prefer living in captivity? ... No, he's not an idiot. He knows the answer too. People who's lives suck back home, who have died back home, who hate their own worlds. Wouldn't it be better to stay here? Where they're at least happy? ... Are they happy?
What the fuck's the right answer? His stomach twists on itself even thinking about it. So much of him desperately wants to return home, to the point of being sick several times the past few days. But it's because the cowardly part wants to run from what happened. Dismiss all this as a bad nightmare he only needs to wake up from. ... There's no waking up. As foolish as it is, he's jealous of Till. Getting to return home and forget all this madness.]
This fucking place wants us to bond together, get attached. It's not just sex and fucking. Why the hell should we if they'll vanish?
[The same reason you bond with people in any world, even though none can 100% guaranteeing tomorrow.]
Aa.
[As absolutely appalled and disgusted with himself as he is.]
I hurt them. I'm a hero. I'm supposed to win and save people. But I treated Esikko's death and Dabi's pain like a fucking annoyance.
At first, I considered it an act of rebellion. I thought they *did* want things to be shallow and meaningless. By caring for each other deeply, I thought we were going against what the House wanted for us.
But it's not like that at all. Lots of activities here are designed for more than just sex. Someone here does want us to get attached, even though we'd have so much less to feel sad about if we didn't.
And yet whether we live our lives according to what they want or what they don't want, we're still basing our choices off their expectations. Either way we're lonely, and either way we lose.
That's what I always think about at times like this.
[But enough of him and his feelings. There's something more important to address.]
Yep, you were callous, alright. I was shocked, to be honest with you.
[No beating around the bush there. It'd just make Bakugo feel worse if he did, he assumes.]
But that's how I knew your suit was acting up. I won't say it's alright, and I know you must feel horribly, but that's what "Spades" does. I know because I've felt that way too before.
[Even though he's right. Bakugo never wanted to develop any kind of feelings in this place, already seeing the danger and foolishness of doing so from the start.
Who the hell's going to care for someone who might vanish or turn on you?
Or someone who's gonna find more pleasure or comfort in the arms of another person.
Without you.
It's not that much different from normal life. Friends. Companions. But the sex and emotional plundering they have to go through here is fucked up. It'd be easier to ignore all that crap if they weren't encouraged (and forced) to entangle in each other's lives so much.]
I thought I could control it if I kept it sated whenever it flared.
I won't even criticize your language, since it's true!
[Has he grown soft? Years ago, he was better about not getting attached. But just as he couldn't stop himself from growing attached to Nagisa despite knowing Nagisa would be moving out of his house and onto new foster parents before long, he couldn't help but attach to Till. He's always had affection for "strays."
But onto the suit flare. That's all it was, or so he thinks: just a really bad Spades suit flare. Anyone could have one. But boy, Bakugo must feel terrible about if he's earnestly apologizing for it.]
Apology accepted.
It just hit you out of nowhere, huh? Goodness, that's horrible.
[Not that it isn't still horrible when it happens the regular way. But the fact it can happen out of nowhere? Even more horrifying. But Rinne warned him that could happen, way back when.]
[He remembers telling several people he had no intention of getting attached to anyone in this place. He's pretty sure he told that to Hiyori's face. Did so well for several months. People were nothing more than fellow prisoners, someone he did stuff with to get cards or shut the suit mark up. People he interacted with for information, to spar with. Didn't let anyone close enough to care about beyond keeping people safe if needed. Like a proper hero.
But then... one crack at a time...
He always knew there was a risk when feelings came into the picture. When you care about someone, you accept a weakness as much as a strength. He never wanted a weakness. Weaknesses were for losers, people who were gonna fuck up, people who weren't him. Until he came to realize they weren't weakness at all. He was stronger for them. So if that's true...
...why does it feel so weak now? If he didn't care, he wouldn't be clawing his own guts out from guilt. Is it worth this kind of pain? This heavy frozen weight in his stomach.]
Aa.
[ ... ]
I couldn't protect either of them. I just wanted to win.
You're talking about when Esikko-kun was attacked, right?
[He's not sure who "either of them" is referring to. Was Bakugo trying to protect someone else, too? That Dabi guy, perhaps?]
That situation wasn't your fault, first of all. I know you're a hero, but that doesn't mean it's your fault when people choose to act like villains.
Second, you were fighting on their side, correct? Despite what your suit was doing, and whatever your reason might have been, you still fought for them, right?
No. I didn't give a shit about anyone in that room.
I fought for myself.
I wasn't angry Esikko died; I was angry I lost.
[Esikko's death was nothing more than the result of his losing, proof he didn't win. And it pissed him off furiously. Now, the very thought sickens him; he remembers every damn idea and feeling which crawled through his mind at the moment.
There was no hero in that room. Only a selfish monster.
The suit threw everything he was and stood for out the proverbial window.]
[Well, that explains those text messages. Why he focused on baffling stuff like the quality of the brothers' trap, and why he seemed more fussed about beating the brothers than the human life that was (temporarily) lost.
Still.]
It's not your fault you felt that way. I know when *my* suit acts up, I just wish everyone who stands in my way would get pulverized and thrown out with the trash.
I also know he didn't want you to suffer or die on his behalf. He said as much.
So when you get angry, don't let it be at yourself, alright? You've always been good at remembering who the real enemy is.
[He wishes he could believe Hiyori. Too weak. Too soft. Didn't try hard enough. Failure. They flutter and cram in his mind, shoving any attempts to excuse his guilt into the fire. It's your fault.]
I should've been strong enough to resist it! If I'm not
[Careful, Katsuki! You could hurt someone with your Quirk! How awesome! You're not gonna be a villain are you? No way!
If he can't control himself, it feels like he's nothing more than a threat.]
Who am I gonna kill next time?
[Saying "it's not your fault" is like thrown water on an oil fire.]
[Hiyori doesn't understand everything that happened. Bakugo doesn't want to tell him. Twenty four hours... Fuck, an entire day where no one mattered but himself. Morals and inhibitions gone.]
He's always thought that place should be demolished. "Tear that down!" is what he said before. If no one got caught in the blast, isn't that basically a community service?]
Who could have seen through that? You're not clairvoyant. When you told me how he died, I almost didn't believe you, since I couldn't imagine who would do such an outlandishly terrible thing.
I know it feels horrible. But if you act like it's your fault, then it's like letting that man off the hook.
And I hope you're ignoring my second question because you already said you weren't hurt last time, and not because you really DID get hurt.
I'm trained to see through it! A hero can't use some shitty excuse like "I was too slow" or "I didn't notice it" when someone's life is on the line! I should've been able to save him!
I'm not absolving him. But I can't say I'm not to blame.
I don't give a shit what happened to me. Esikko died.
None of it was your fault. Not those brothers wanting to kill Esikko-kun, not them acting like monsters, not him angering them in the first place, and not your suit acting up. Not one bit of that was your choice, and you're not to blame for any of it.
You're someone he cares for rather a lot, so I'm sure he doesn't want you blaming yourself. If you don't believe me, then ask him. We should be able to do that before too long.
[Even as he reads his words on the screen, they feel like arrows striking a fortress gate. Logically, he knows Hiyori's right. He had nothing to do with Chobe's actions, he never asked to be dragged into the resort and made a fucking patsy, he tried to encourage Esikko not to associate with Chobe further, he wasn't even "himself" during the altercation.
... but try telling him that when he remembers everything like it was his own. When he hears his voice saying those cruel things. When he recalls every thought in the middle of that blazing fire. The rest of the day was no less afflicted.
Heroes are stupid when it comes to guilt. Someone across the city dies and they don't shrug with "I wasn't there" and walk off. Instantly their thoughts sink with "I should've been there, I could've helped" and everything feels gross.
Their lives are completely saturated with helping protect people. Failure is hard on them... Failure's hard on him. It's not something he expects Hiyori to understand.]
Don't be silly. He was sad and lonely even before this. Once he messaged me out of the blue asking if I'd care if he died.
I'm sure he wants to see you. After all, you're someone who never turned your back on him. The two of you stayed friends even after I told you about the horrible things he's done, correct? That must make you more precious than just about anyone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Till did say he wanted to return. That he thought he ought to, rather. He had unfinished business back at home; a girl he wanted to see, wanted to make sure was still alive. Given that, he supposes he should hope Till made it back okay. It's what he wished for, after all.
Not that their hopes and wishes ever seem to mean anything around here, as Bakugo clearly elucidates.]
You're right, of course. We have no control here. It's safest to assume everyone we talk to will vanish from these halls sooner or later.
But that's something we've known all along, almost.
[People disappear. Relationships don't last. It's best not to get attached. And yet, he still does it. Is still doing it now. Even Bakugo, for all his gruffness, does it, too, he's sure. Which is how he knew that Bakugo wasn't in his right mind when he acted so callous about Esikko's death. The real Bakugo would care, right?]
Speaking of being toyed with, are you feeling like yourself again?
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What the fuck's the right answer? His stomach twists on itself even thinking about it. So much of him desperately wants to return home, to the point of being sick several times the past few days. But it's because the cowardly part wants to run from what happened. Dismiss all this as a bad nightmare he only needs to wake up from. ... There's no waking up. As foolish as it is, he's jealous of Till. Getting to return home and forget all this madness.]
This fucking place wants us to bond together, get attached.
It's not just sex and fucking. Why the hell should we if they'll vanish?
[The same reason you bond with people in any world, even though none can 100% guaranteeing tomorrow.]
Aa.
[As absolutely appalled and disgusted with himself as he is.]
I hurt them. I'm a hero. I'm supposed to win and save people.
But I treated Esikko's death and Dabi's pain like a fucking annoyance.
1/2
At first, I considered it an act of rebellion. I thought they *did* want things to be shallow and meaningless. By caring for each other deeply, I thought we were going against what the House wanted for us.
But it's not like that at all. Lots of activities here are designed for more than just sex. Someone here does want us to get attached, even though we'd have so much less to feel sad about if we didn't.
And yet whether we live our lives according to what they want or what they don't want, we're still basing our choices off their expectations. Either way we're lonely, and either way we lose.
That's what I always think about at times like this.
2/2
Yep, you were callous, alright. I was shocked, to be honest with you.
[No beating around the bush there. It'd just make Bakugo feel worse if he did, he assumes.]
But that's how I knew your suit was acting up. I won't say it's alright, and I know you must feel horribly, but that's what "Spades" does. I know because I've felt that way too before.
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[Even though he's right. Bakugo never wanted to develop any kind of feelings in this place, already seeing the danger and foolishness of doing so from the start.
Who the hell's going to care for someone who might vanish or turn on you?
Or someone who's gonna find more pleasure or comfort in the arms of another person.
Without you.
It's not that much different from normal life. Friends. Companions. But the sex and emotional plundering they have to go through here is fucked up. It'd be easier to ignore all that crap if they weren't encouraged (and forced) to entangle in each other's lives so much.]
I thought I could control it if I kept it sated whenever it flared.
[But he'd been an idiot to think that.]
I'm sorry. For what I said to you that night.
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[Has he grown soft? Years ago, he was better about not getting attached. But just as he couldn't stop himself from growing attached to Nagisa despite knowing Nagisa would be moving out of his house and onto new foster parents before long, he couldn't help but attach to Till. He's always had affection for "strays."
But onto the suit flare. That's all it was, or so he thinks: just a really bad Spades suit flare. Anyone could have one. But boy, Bakugo must feel terrible about if he's earnestly apologizing for it.]
Apology accepted.
It just hit you out of nowhere, huh? Goodness, that's horrible.
[Not that it isn't still horrible when it happens the regular way. But the fact it can happen out of nowhere? Even more horrifying. But Rinne warned him that could happen, way back when.]
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But then... one crack at a time...
He always knew there was a risk when feelings came into the picture. When you care about someone, you accept a weakness as much as a strength. He never wanted a weakness. Weaknesses were for losers, people who were gonna fuck up, people who weren't him. Until he came to realize they weren't weakness at all. He was stronger for them. So if that's true...
...why does it feel so weak now? If he didn't care, he wouldn't be clawing his own guts out from guilt. Is it worth this kind of pain? This heavy frozen weight in his stomach.]
Aa.
[ ... ]
I couldn't protect either of them. I just wanted to win.
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[He's not sure who "either of them" is referring to. Was Bakugo trying to protect someone else, too? That Dabi guy, perhaps?]
That situation wasn't your fault, first of all. I know you're a hero, but that doesn't mean it's your fault when people choose to act like villains.
Second, you were fighting on their side, correct? Despite what your suit was doing, and whatever your reason might have been, you still fought for them, right?
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I fought for myself.
I wasn't angry Esikko died; I was angry I lost.
[Esikko's death was nothing more than the result of his losing, proof he didn't win. And it pissed him off furiously. Now, the very thought sickens him; he remembers every damn idea and feeling which crawled through his mind at the moment.
There was no hero in that room. Only a selfish monster.
The suit threw everything he was and stood for out the proverbial window.]
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Still.]
It's not your fault you felt that way. I know when *my* suit acts up, I just wish everyone who stands in my way would get pulverized and thrown out with the trash.
I also know he didn't want you to suffer or die on his behalf. He said as much.
So when you get angry, don't let it be at yourself, alright? You've always been good at remembering who the real enemy is.
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I should've been strong enough to resist it! If I'm not
[Careful, Katsuki! You could hurt someone with your Quirk! How awesome! You're not gonna be a villain are you? No way!
If he can't control himself, it feels like he's nothing more than a threat.]
Who am I gonna kill next time?
[Saying "it's not your fault" is like thrown water on an oil fire.]
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... wait a minute.]
You're not the one who killed someone!
[...]
Right?
[Plz tell him that's not what happened, that would be so screwed-up...]
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I set off an explosion in the Roost.
[And left a store or two smoldering wreckage.]
1/4
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He's always thought that place should be demolished. "Tear that down!" is what he said before. If no one got caught in the blast, isn't that basically a community service?]
4/4 done.
Alright! One thing at a time!
Those brothers were the ones who killed Esikko-kun, right? And you were there, but you didn't get hurt yourself, correct?
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[He doesn't bother with the last question. It's not important.]
I should've seen through it. Should've been faster.
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I know it feels horrible. But if you act like it's your fault, then it's like letting that man off the hook.
And I hope you're ignoring my second question because you already said you weren't hurt last time, and not because you really DID get hurt.
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I'm not absolving him. But I can't say I'm not to blame.
I don't give a shit what happened to me. Esikko died.
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None of it was your fault. Not those brothers wanting to kill Esikko-kun, not them acting like monsters, not him angering them in the first place, and not your suit acting up. Not one bit of that was your choice, and you're not to blame for any of it.
You're someone he cares for rather a lot, so I'm sure he doesn't want you blaming yourself. If you don't believe me, then ask him. We should be able to do that before too long.
["We," he writes.]
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... but try telling him that when he remembers everything like it was his own. When he hears his voice saying those cruel things. When he recalls every thought in the middle of that blazing fire. The rest of the day was no less afflicted.
Heroes are stupid when it comes to guilt. Someone across the city dies and they don't shrug with "I wasn't there" and walk off. Instantly their thoughts sink with "I should've been there, I could've helped" and everything feels gross.
Their lives are completely saturated with helping protect people. Failure is hard on them... Failure's hard on him. It's not something he expects Hiyori to understand.]
I don't know if he'd even want to see me.
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I'm sure he wants to see you. After all, you're someone who never turned your back on him. The two of you stayed friends even after I told you about the horrible things he's done, correct? That must make you more precious than just about anyone.
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A reminder about Esikko's death does little to help.]
We don't know when he'll be reviving.
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You remember what I said before, right? About visiting the clinic together.
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